Have you ever bitten your tongue, tried to heal it, and been dismayed when neither magic nor bandages quite seemed to work? Well, even if you haven’t, you’ll never have to worry about it again—in fact, it may even turn into a somewhat pleasant experience! Gryffindor geniuses Cloby Unicorn and Erdal Jenner have come up with an idea that will revolutionize the way victims of tongue bites remedy their situations. Their products are called Cloby and Erdal’s Every Flavour Tongue Plasters, and they’ll change your life for the better.
Never heard of Cloby and Erdal’s Every Flavour Tongue Plasters? Don’t worry! We here at the Quibbler will get you right up to speed. Cloby Unicorn had the idea when their colleague, Hogwarts Gamekeeper Poto Thomas, bit his tongue to the point of it bleeding. Filled with sympathy for their friend, Cloby resolved to invent a type of band-aid effective in scenarios such as this so that they would never again be such a negative experience.
The adhesive component of these tongue plasters is activated by saliva, much in the way the sticky part of an envelope is. They can be quickly and painlessly removed by swishing water around in your mouth, which dissipates the adhesive. But that’s not even the best part. Cloby and Erdal’s product is delicious, which is where Erdal Jenner himself comes into play.
The Hogwarts History of Magic professor was determined to help expand the quality of these tongue plasters beyond what was previously thought possible. Using magic and a little bit of culinary science, he helped Cloby develop delightful flavors in exchange for 45% of all profits.
But the duo didn’t stop there! They decided that merely having enjoyable tastes was for quitters. While they would go on to market a line of flavored tongue plasters with only flavors that people find delectable, they would also introduce a line with less-than-pleasant ones, “for daredevils.” The normal flavors include those such as strawberry, chocolate, and peppermint, but for wizards and witches who wish to live life on the edge after falling prey to a bitten tongue, there are also those such as cat food, along with what has been called by testing crews “Unbelievably, Almost Painfully Sour Lemon.”
Cloby and Erdal’s Every Flavour Tongue Plasters almost certainly have a future in history books as one of the most instrumental tools known to wizardkind. They’re already being advertised by our friends in news, the Daily Prophet, and have been sold at a low price to hundreds of Hogwarts students and alumni alike! But while it’s been claimed by the inventors that the company behind the amazing tongue plasters was started to help friends and for personal gain, we here at the Quibbler have other suspicions.
We think that it’s entirely possible that the entire company was founded as a front to fund the Ministry of Magic’s judicial department, commonly known as the Wizengamot. You read that correctly, readers: we think that the Wizengamot Council has fallen on tough times monetarily, and is relying on income from the profits earned by the Every Flavour Tongue Plasters. It all adds up, when you think about it. Cloby Unicorn is a member of the Wizengamot Council and Erdal Jenner is a former Chief Warlock of the very same. Wouldn’t it make sense that they would want to help out their justice-serving colleagues and compatriots? While we’ve heard no word from the creators of Cloby and Erdal’s Every Flavour Tongue Plasters regarding this, and the Wizengamot has not given us an official statement, we can assume that it’s pretty safe to jump to conclusions in this case.
We have also received word that Cloby and Erdal have decided to expand their brand in the near future by marketing plasters for cut cheeks (which are expected to be particularly popular amongst Muggle-born students with metal “braces” in their mouths) as well as for tongues. This is clearly a scheme to raise money for the Wizengamot. While we’re not entirely sure of Cloby and Erdal’s reasoning, why else would they want to put so much time and effort into launching a company? Let us know what you think!